Man, I've been down lately. And why? I don't know. Stacey lives here, positive. I'm getting good feedback on worship, positive. My friendships here are great, posiitve. But something isn't right. It could be all the bills and debts I have. Those really suck. And I'm not getting paid much and have no other job, but I don't think that's it either.
Pastor Ron asked if i'm in a spiritual funk. Possibly. He said I could remedy that with "time in the text" but I don't know about that either. It seems like reading the Bible will only bum me more seeing as I don't know what to make of a lot of it (read:revelations, love, anti-war sentiments, being subversive). I do know that I just haven't been burning with passion for Christ like I have in the past. It sucks. I feel like I know him better than I ever did, and that should lead me to love him more, but what the hell is wrong with me. I get up to lead, I sit and pray with the band, I talk with the pastors, but I don't feel complete. Something seems to be missing, or maybe I'm missing. Maybe my heart isn't completely in this.
I'm hurting, but I can't seem to find the cure. I can't read about it. I can't pray for it. Well, the truth is maybe I can.
So pray for me. I'm burning out and I'm 22 and an intern. If I can't handle this, what can I?
Pray for me, I'm devoting Friday to being alone with God. Bible in hand. Guitar in the other. And the wilderness around me. I need to figure myself out. Or something like that.
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2 comments:
i'll pray for you if you pray for me. last verve was the first time in a long time that i have sang or taken communion. i cried too. its been a long time since i have done any of those things. its been on my heart for a while. i feel like im lacking something. maybe i need to read my bible. maybe i need to find my bible first. SAD. i don't even know where my bible is. i'm a loser.
i hope you find what you are looking for.
... i almost think its this town. so close minded. so unwilling to change. so unwlling to stick their neck out a little and maybe get rejected by someone unwilling to stick theirs out too.
sorry for the rant. i needed to get that out apparently.
-karen
This is more of a reply to anonymous than to Jeff...
Yeah, Roseburg is a tough place to be. But you speak as if you are somehow separate from the town and the people that live there. If you can't find God in Roseburg, Oregon and its denizens, you won't be able to find God anywhere else. This is the true problem with Protestant Churches--worship is more about the social aspect than about God. People choose to go to the Baptist church because they or their family has alway gone there, or they feel comfortable there. Jesus didn't come to make us feel comfortable. Did you ever consider searching for a church that challenges you within Roseburg? I'm not Catholic but the coolest person I ever met in Roseburg is the priest Fr. Juniper Snider at St. Josephs.
At Christmas Eve services a few years ago, he welcomed all the young people and spoke about how the older generation has no right to exclude people with blue mohawks (!) He also smokes, rides a motorcycle and cusses regularly. And, he singlehandedly has build a center in Roseburg for homeless teens-the only kind in Southern Oregon. Maybe you are being closed minded by choosing to stay in a church that doesn't nourish you spiritually.
Yours in faith,
Mike
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